My son Andrew died exactly ten years ago today, October 23, 1999, nine days after his first birthday. No one would describe me as emotional. And yet the wound still remains remarkably raw.
Andrew’s short life isn’t a frequent conversation any more, except inside our family, because there is nothing new to talk about. When parents talk about children, it is almost always about how they are changing. Andrew, however, is forever our one-year-old.
Unfortunately for me, memories seem to fade faster than the sense of loss. For my wife, neither the memories nor the pain have faded. I know my wife’s memories remain vivid because they are beautifully captured in a recent book by Jenny Schroedel called Naming the Child: Hope-filled Reflections on Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death. In the book, she recounts the experiences of a number of families who suffered losses like ours. Reading the book, I am amazed at all the things I have forgotten about both Andrew’s life and death.
The title of the book comes from a quote by one of the women who was interviewed who had an ectopic pregnancy: “Naming an unborn child is a powerful thing. It is a way to acknowledge to the world what God already knows. A way to say ‘life is precious — this life is precious.’”
This is not the sort of book you read for fun at the beach, but if you know someone who recently miscarried or lost a young child, I highly recommend it.
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I honestly don’t think I would be able to cope
My condolences for your loss. I hope that your family continues to find the strength to continue.
I also hope that more time will be able to alleviate the raw feelings that you still harbor.
I trust that you have a loving family, and a wonderful support group, and I truly wish you the best.
Sorry for your loss. As the father of two young boys, I can’t imagine how that feels.
Thank you for the recomendation. My wife and I had a daughter this year, that was born premature. She fought for her life for 42 days, with a lot of complications, but finnaly she died. I know that it was a short time, but it still difficult to accept that something like this has to happen (and it’s even more difficult for my wife). I already order a copy of the book.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know these are wounds that never heal, although the pain may become not as acute. Now I can get through the day and breathe in and out. Now I can be a productive member of society and a good mother to my living children who need me. But this wasn’t always the case. I appreciate the suggestion of this book and the warning to read it when I have solitude. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
My sister died in 1991 at the age of 16, and her loss is still with my family every day. As hard as it was for me to lose my sister, now that I have children of my own I am beginning to understand just how devastating the loss of a child was for my parents. My deepest condolences to you and your wife.
I am sorry for your loss.
My son was born at 28 weeks and just under two pounds. 20 years ago he would have been a miscarriage. We were extremely fortunate. After 7 weeks in the NICU he went home. All of the children there did not all fair as well.