Dan Ariely brings behavioral economics to the awkward, boring first date conversation: “Basically, in an attempt to coordinate on the right dating strategy, we stick to universally shared interests like food or the weather.” Ariely gave online daters a list of “interesting and personally revealing” questions they were allowed to ask. “What we learned from this little experiment is that when people are free to choose what type of discussions they want to have, they often gravitate toward an equilibrium that is easy to maintain but one that no one really enjoys or benefits from,” writes Ariely. “The good news is that if we restrict the equilibria we can get people to gravitate toward behaviors that are better for everyone (more generally this suggests that some restricted marketplaces can yield more desirable outcomes).” [%comments]
Spicing Up the Awkward First Date Conversation
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I think there’s a huge missing piece here: what is the end goal of the first date or the online dating conversation? We could split the test data into two scenarios: pursuit of long-term relationship or pursuit of sex/instant gratification.
I agree that the food/weather equilibrium is undesirable in the event of long-term relationship pursuit. Eventually two people who are looking for love will have to move beyond simple topics and discuss things that actually matter.
For the instant gratification set, this “bad equilibrium” may actually be good. If the goal is sex, there’s a fairly low barrier for entry. People in this set want to make sure they’re with someone with reasonable intelligence and sanity, and beyond that they don’t particularly care. Talking about food and the weather ensures that no undue surprises are forthcoming.
Avoid talking politics and religion with new friends and potential spouses–unless you really want an opportunity to exit.
Stick to the weather, geology, the curiosity of dogs, or the wetness of water. If you want to risk it and break the ice, these two questions are gurannteed to to kick it up a notch:
1. When did you first lose your virginity?
2. How many sex partners have you had?
If you are still talking after 5 minutes, there probably is some chemistry that may be worth pursuing. And a very funny story to tell your grandchildren.
That’s why my online profile features a video of me playing the harpsichord. By the time we even get to the first date we’ve a;ready explored some pretty recherche and hopefully shared interests. I didn’t need an behavioural economist to tell me to do that, though – maybe they themselves need to get out more?
“more generally this suggests that some restricted marketplaces can yield more desirable outcomes”
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It suggests not such thing. First dates are actually nothing like marketplaces. People on first dates and people engaging in economic transactions are looking for entirely different things. Anyone who really think first dates are like economic transactions, has some seriously awful social skills. This is far and away the most risible attempt at justifying regulation I have ever seen.
In any case, this experiment does not prove what it claims it proves. All that it demonstrated is that people can be forced to have more interesting conversations by making them play party games. Junior high schools girls across the country are rolling their eyes at Dr. Ariely at this very moment.
But people on first dates are not primarily looking for interesting conversations. They are evaluating their opposite number as a potential romantic partner, not as a raconteur. This entails considering a host of factors and provocative conversation may not be that high on the list. Not saying the wrong thing often gets more weight than saying the right thing.
To put it another way, quizzing someone on a first date about their sexual history and their opinion on abortion might make for an interesting conversation but it might not make for a successful date. To even be evidence of what this study claims to prove, it would have to demonstrate that people following this strategy ended up in more relationhips than those who did not.
Stronly opinionated people with poor boundaries might spark interesting conversations on first dates but there is reason to doubt that they get all that many second ones.
I love Don. I just finished his Upside book. Great stuff. He talks about dating in that book as well which I found insightful.
Regarding this experiment, well…
Its not what you say, its what you communicate. There are well defined attraction mechanisms female of the species responds to (as well as male). There are relatively well understood and one could be talking nonsense and still attract a date. I’ve tried it. It works
Great stuff tho. Great topic.
Another bizarrely contrived ‘experiment’ and equally contrived conclusion to add to the ‘Predictably Irrational’ stock.
Everything ever said about first dates has been said at:
(google) Best of Craig’s List
after 4 responses from men, no responses from women. an unsuccessful first date, methinks.